GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
me at hotel: *pushing all the continental breakfast tables together*
hotel security: miss why are you-
me: PANGEA BREAKFAST
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question.
Do YOU appear in the form of water droplets?
Are YOU found on grass and windows in the morning?
If so you MAY be dew condensation.
Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I’m up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.
Can’t believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.
Q: What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite kind of coordination?
A: HAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYE
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
the miracle of birth is BEAUTIFUL if you think this is “gross” or “disturbing” the unfollow button is right there b… https://t.co/wwwRxpOqNg
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
You can tell me this is a bird flying all you want I still think it’s a rabbit on skis in the middle of a long jump
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
unreliable? are never on time? have to share them with 10 other women? which one is it x
Judas: still on for Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I couldn’t believe what I saw on @C4Countdown today, it was just bang out of order.
No fucking way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.
You’re never too old to say “horses” when you drive past some horses